smell of betrayal
by hunnikissspike
Summary: spike has hurt buffy in a way she may never recover from. he has destoryed her world. they were supose to be together but I guess its not ment to be. R&R but no flames please
1. they don't think I know

It wasn't supposed to be like this. When he came back we were suppose to be together FOREVER! We are together psychically but his heart isn't mine anymore he thinks I don't know. He thinks that if he throws a few meaningless kisses my way or flashes his all so sexy smirk my way I won't know. But his smile and his kisses that don't hide HER sent. You think a vampire of all people would understand the power of sent. How smelling someone can destroy a world. Yeah spike thinks I am stupid that he can hurt me and I won't know that he's Fucking my best friend and Willow, even the thought of her name makes my blood boil, they think they can play me and I won't hurt. I want to rage to hurt them but what would that help. They will be able to escape this if I kill them but I will have to live with it forever. No I'll wait and they'll know want betrayal smells like. He is the reason I have this drug habit. He's the reason why I take shot of heroin everyday. So I don't have to deal to think about it about the pain the hurt. But I can never forget for long. 


	2. hurt the one you love

POV spike @@@@@@ I remember the time when she was all I wanted when my mind, soul, and body were consumed by her. It's funny how when you get someone you think will make your life complete you always want more. I died to save her she was my life and when I came back. She needed me as much as I needed her and I thought yeah this it I am going to be happy but I wasn't I wanted more. I didn't feel satisfied anymore. I didn't feel complete like I thought I should. So I took up with red. I didn't love her or need her like I did Buffy. She isn't what kept me bound to this earth its Buffy but she was bloody brilliant in the sack so I kept her around. I think buffy knows I can see it in her eyes all the pain the hurt. It kills me to know that I've done this to her. The woman that was supposes to be my soul mate. I think I driven her to do some horrible thing. She seems so distance now, so strung out. I can smell the drugs rushing through her veins. She's barely alive anymore and I know they all know I can see the seething hatred in their eyes when They look at me the pain the heart ache I can feel their hurt or more importantly her hurt her anguish radiating off her body like heat waves. They always say you hurt the one you love. Well I guess their right I am killing the one I love but I can't stop. Red is like this power aphrodisiac that I cant escape I am addicted to her but no I don't love her like I love Buffy. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Sorry so short having working the whole story out in my head keep reading and reviewing 


	3. killing my friend

POV Willow @@@@@@@@@@  
  
I know I am hurting her. This person who was suppose to be my best friend and I have betrayed her in the worse way. But why not, I thought she always had everything but that was in the beginning when I just needed someone to cling to and Spike, Of all people was the one that I held on to. Yeah at first I hated Buffy it seemed to me she always got everything, that her life had been better then most but I was bitter then, hurt, and pretty irrational. I loved her. She was my best friend but my desire for spike. The desire to feel his cold skin against mine to have his lips that tasted of tequila and blood and cigarette smoke gently touch every part of me over powered the affection I had for my friend. Everyone knew I could tell by their overwhelming desire to avoid contact with me. Even Zander the man who said he loved me even when I wanted to end the pain the suffering and end the world was shooting me dirty disgusted looks. I can't blame him I am pretty disgusted with me self. I know spike doesn't love me. He tells me every time we do what it is we do sometimes afterward I feel dirty and used. I feel low like I can't live with myself and sometimes I don't want to but no matter hoe much pain I caused I always go back for more. I know how Buffy must have felt in those months after she came back because no matter how wrong I know it is I keep going back. I drove my friend to drugs I can sense it inside of her. I was once the addicted so I know what the sign are. She has become a shell of the girl I knew and loved and I made her that way. I also can sense that she knows. I can tell by the heartbroken glance that she toss my way and it seems she doesn't look me in the face it's like she can't look me in the face. I guess I'll never learn that there are always consequences to my actions and killing my friend may be the worse of all. 


	4. wishes

Shooting up makes me forget what spike and Willow are doing behind my back. It makes me not notice the hole in my soul quit as much. It allows me to drift back to the beginning when my simple presence made him happy, when he didn't need HER he only needed me. It allows me to remember when we moved in to our house although it wasn't the typical American dream with the picket fence and big windows. Considering point wooden fence post and big sunlight admitting windows were death traps for the love of my life, and when that is the case you tend to stay away from that of thing. Yeah I like to think back to when we were happy. When he wasn't banging HER and I wasn't using drugs to forget or remember depending on the situation. All of my friends and my sister all know and every time I get one of their over sympathetic glance I want to run into my room and pick up my needle. I am dying inside completely falling apart and everyone wants to ignore it because it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist then to deal. So they let me slowly and painfully kill myself so that their lives will be easier. Using makes me happy for awhile but when it fades reality hits me hard sometimes harder then I can handle and they ignore me. It seems like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming for help and no one hears me. I am weak. Me of all people the one that was the epitome of strength has been reduced to this shell. Spike can't even look at me and on the rare occasion that he does he looks so regretful. It takes all I have not to run over and take him in my arms and kiss him because I know if I do when he came up for air he'd still be sleeping with her and I still be broken so I keep my distance. I don't want to be here in anymore stuck between cowardice and courage between pain and happiness and I am where I always am between everything and nothing all at once. I want to run. Running won't help. The problem won't go away it will just worse and I am having problems dealing as it is. I wish things would go back to the way they were before any of this before willow before the drugs when all there that existed was love before things got so complicated but if wishes were strength I wouldn't be using to deal with my life. 


	5. welcome death

POV Spike %%%%%%%% I want to give this up. I want to be the hero like I was when I sacrificed myself for love and all the right reason. Now I am betraying my reason for being. I am hurting her in a way no one deserves least of all her. I can't control it can't stop myself. Red has this power over my maybe she's working her Wiccan mojo on me, but why would she want to do that? I don't understand. In the beginning I knew she was hurting Tara was gone Kennedy ran off because she couldn't handle that Tara was still in Willow's heart and she would always have to share Willow with Tara's memory. I never liked that Bint she was damn selfish and arrogant and all the things that could easily get her killed. Enough about that slag talking about her makes my head hurt. So I knew why it started Willow need to release her pain and I wasn't stratified but it shouldn't have kept going. It shouldn't have elevated to this level but it has. I am afraid more afraid then I've ever been. Afraid that I'll lose her either to the drugs or my own selfness. When I lie in bed next to her I feel her pain her heart break I want to hold her to make it go away but I cant because I caused it and that knowledge is making it unbelievably hard to live with myself and what I've done. Sometimes when she comes into the house reeking of heroin and there is so much raging through her veins and I get high just smelling her I want to scream at her to grab her and shake her so hard her teeth rattle. I want to tell her that this isn't worth killing herself over I am not worth killing herself over. I never do though because I know she'll tell me she knows about what I am doing with willow that she hates me for pushing her to this and although I think she knows. Correction I am almost positive she knows but being almost positive is better then hearing it from her mouth because if the day ever comes that I do hear it from her I will dust myself right there. I am not afraid to die but still I sleep with one eye open in case any of the scoobies or buffy decides to stake me in my sleep although I don't know why. I welcome death. Atleast I wouldn't have to hurt to battle with my self and then give back in to temptation in the worse form and that form is the red haired Wiccan who's always seems to be right underneath my skin. I know it sounds selfish wanting to die and all. It's really not because if I were dead Buffy wouldn't hurt as bad. She'd feel pain for awhile but I wouldn't be there to constantly remind her of what I sure she thinks is her failure to keep me happy but that's not it al all it is my own failure not hers. 


	6. weakness

Buffy POV %%%%%%% He doesn't touch me anymore. I want him to so bad. I want him to take me in his arms to hold me, kiss me to tell me it will be okay that he'll make it all better yeah that's what I want. He thinks I don't know what he's thinks that I can't read him like a book but I can. He's afraid to do those things though I know he wants to. He was to make me listen to him to make me stop doing drugs. He wants me to make him stop wanting Willow. He's afraid to do it though because he thinks I'll tell him that I know what he does when I am not around. He's afraid that he won't be strong enough to handle it. I maybe I would.  
Willow doesn't came near me anymore and if she happens to be stuck in the same room with me she puts on her sickly sweet smiles and pretends to be the same girl I loved like my sister all those years ago. I wan to wrap my fingers around her long thin neck and choke her until her eyes roll back in her head until her skin turns blue. I want to hear her beg for mercy for forgiveness for everything and anything to help her but there will be not help for her. I burn to hurt them both every time I smell their sent intertwined. And as soon as I smell it I want to escape to get lost in my high in a world where people don't hurt or bleed to cry where there is no heart break or loss and I can have all of that with on press of a need. Every now and then I think I am strong enough to stop and I do for days sometimes even weeks. It damn hard but I do it. And then I smell them again and it drives me right back to it. And some days I think I should leave him to go away be because I am infinitely less strong when he's never it is as though all my strength. My self worth my resolve they all fly out of the window when he's in any proximity to me. I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't think I could ever be strong enough to live without him. Some day I may leave and never come back but right now my love won't let me leave. Love it burns you right to the bone and them turns the bone to ash and every time he's near me. I begin to burn. I burn for him for all the things we use to be for all the things we could be again. I begged for this normal life for the chance to be that girl I always wanted to be and know I am that girl and I am too weak to face it. It's funny how what you thought you wanted can turn into your worse nightmare without warning. I rather fight for my life then fight for love atleast when I fight for m y life it's win or lose there's no gray matter no middle ground. When you fight for love there's no winning you lose either way if I stay I am a fool if I go I am weak there's no winning this. The sad part is I'd give my soul for him I'd die I'd burn I'd bleed I'd kill and can't even get him to give me his attention. I don't like to admit that to anyone, not even my self because if I so much as think about it I feel as though my world is crumbling down on my shoes. And the one person who is suppose to carry me from the rubble is creating it  
  
So what do you do when the way that's suppose to help you stop crying is the one who made you cry to start with? How do you deal with that how do you fix it? 


	7. crossing that bridge

POV Willow  
I love him. I didn't at first. As I look back at it our relationship is a lot like theirs. I used him at first, well actually we used each other, I didn't have feelings for him but now I do just like her. The only difference the biggest difference is he doesn't love me. I get his body but his heart his soul his mind everything that makes him who he is belongs to her and I HATE her for it. Don't get me wrong I never would have done this if I had known what would happen if I knew what it led to but now I am in to deep to stop to turn away from it. I am killing my friend and I hate myself for it but I can't give him up. He consumes me and when I'm with him and most of the time I am away from him he is all that there is. Everything my life consists of is directly connected to him. Maybe that's why I started putting that spell on him the one that keeps him coming back to me. I know that if he saw what he was doing to buffy he'd stop being with me he'd end "US" and in doing that he would be ending me. I know I am hurting my friend but my concern for myself over shadows my concern for buffy. One day she'll confront us. She'll lay it all bear and my world will be over but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I have come to find that it's easier to ignore reality if you don't think about it. I know I can't make him love me but I can make him want me and that's enough for me for now. I've never had sex like he gives me before don't get me wrong I've never had bad sex but his is different. Oz was so gentle and it was great, it was the same with Tara Kennedy's was a mixture of lust and depression. Which made it good but spike he takes me over he sets me on fire from the inside out. He makes me feel that I could die with him and I would be ok. Every now and then I come to my sense and am determined that I am going to be strong and do the right thing for ma and my best friend. I am going to let him go. But as soon as I see him all my resolve my determination goes away and all I feel is my obsession. I can't let go. I won't let go all though I know I hurting everyone around me including my best friend I keep holding on to him because his all I have. I'll keep casting my spell I'll keep letting him light me on fire but soon I'll burn beyond repair but I'll deal with that when I come to it. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't done this. If this man. , I can call him that now, hadn't take over all my senses. All I can see without him is darkness pain and loneliness. I don't ever want to feel lonley again. Loneliness is the most empty feeling I've ever felt and I don't ever want to feel it again. So I'll cling to him for confort though I know his conforet isn't really mine it's hers but she'll just have to share for now. 


	8. helping me get over him

Buffy's POV %%%%%%%%%%%  
  
I know Spike loves me but that's not enough not anymore as much as I enjoy drifting back to the way we were we'll never be like that again and I can't keep dreaming of that time. So I've decided that two can play this game I need to find someone else someone who isn't spike Some one who will help me get over him. Although I may not be strong enough to leave him I can be with someone else he is so why can't I. I am going to club to night to find what might become my next addiction while I am trying to get over the one I've got now. I haven't used in two days. I feel sick I am coming down I have to keep busy to take my mind of my habit and off of spike cause I know that when I think about him and what he's doing I will hurt again and turn to my drugs to escape from reality. I don't want to run from reality anymore I want to be apart of it I've been gone for far to long. I am dressing to kill and in the first time in a while that saying doesn't mean in the literal sense. I pick out my best outfit. A short black skirt that I always looked amazing in a silk black and red tube top with a rose pattern on it. I was going to get a man tonight and for the first time in awhile I was going to be me the way I use to be. I was buffy the girl the strong hopeful girl not buffy the addict and while I putting on my make-up I knew that I would be okay and Spike wasn't going define me anymore For the first time I would define myself. I was going to be just Buffy. Not the slayer, not angel's, Riley's or Spike's girlfriend, not buffy the addict just me pure and simple. As I enter the bar a classy place with men in business suits. I noticed every man in the place and some of the women were staring at me and I felt like I was in high school again with guys drooling on my shoes and that made me happy made me confident that I could do this and I didn't need spike. I looked around for the man who would be the one I would forget spike with and I spotted him. He had this presence about this glow around him that drew me to him. He was gorgeous there was no denying that with his light green eyes, jet black curly hair that was in a very fashionable style a little shaggy with out looking unkempt. He had a baby face with a smile that made me weak in the knees his tan skin glowed in the lights. His slightly tight shirt showed off his ripped body. The best part about him was he was the completely opposite of spike. When I looked at him all the other people faded from the room and it was just the two of us and we were all that mattered as I began to approach him I noticed he was staring at me and licking his all to heavenly kissable lips. I approached him, smiled my best smile and said "hi I am buffy would you liked to dance?" He continued to smile and replied in an all to so sexy voice that was as rich as chocolate and as intoxicating as whisky "I am Antonio and I would love to dance with you". He noticed the relief that flashed in my eyes and he chuckled a sound that made my heart flutter it was that most mind blowing sound I have ever heard. My mind was reeling with desire for him. After he laughed he spoke he said" did you really think I would turn down a dance with such a bewitchingly beautiful woman" when he uttered those words I blushed and I knew I would have him no matter what happens he would mine. He escorted me to the dance floor and when he put his hands on me I thought I would disintegrate from the shear heat of his hands. We began to dance to the music and as I heard the song my willpower began to slip. The song playing was HIS song. Spike would walk around singing this very song. I let my mind drift to thought's of him though I know I shouldn't that it was like poison, my memories of him, but I couldn't help it. I started listening to the words. %It's a beautiful world but everyone's insane. Either you swim or either you fade. It's a revolution time we're sleeping at the wheel. Apocalypse child in a nuclear field we want to change the world but not what holds us back. I want to be for you what I've never had.% I could hear his voice intertwined with the singers and I began to sink back down to him The song went on %And all of this time I was just trying to reach you through the rain traffic. As you float into space. Your wide eyes hide your face .As you float between. I am with you if you leave. Fragile to the waves ,vicissitudes of days. When I am with you I feel a little brave. The madness and the wars circle what we run. Confusion we import. Look what we've become and all of this time I was just trying to reach you % I remembered the look on his face as he crooned the words I remembered the way he made he feel when he sang, As the song continued %Through the rain traffic as you float into space. Your wide eyes hide your face as you float in between. I die with you if you leave as you float in between % Just as I thought I lose my soul to my memories the song ended and I was back with Antonio and the electricity of him was flowing through me again and I was back on my game trying to forget Spike. The desire between us was so thick I could have cut it with a knife. So I whispered to him" wan to go some where less noise?" As we walked from the club to into the brisk star lighted night I knew that he would help me get over Spike %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%5 This is my longest chapter ever *Does longest chapter dance* The song in this chapter is "float" by bush 


	9. animalistic sent

Buffy's POV ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
I awoke to the light that I had so long ago sworn off for love. A new feeling over came me, pure happiness, this new person in my life had given me this happiness I wasn't sure I'd ever have. His heat filled me through out I hadn't known heat like that since riley and this time the heat was real and raw and completely consuming. But as I came out of sleep the reality of what I had done hit me I had sunk to his level and this realization made my body scream for my addiction for that high that rocketed me form my life form reality. That deep panic put this sudden urge in to me to run and I did I got up left a note and bolted. Not one of my proudest moments but running escaping that what I do right? I ran from my life in high school and when I came back from the dead and when I found out about spike and willows betrayal. Running what I do I'm good at it. So I did what I do best I ran from this intoxicating man and the sin that I just committed. I ran as though if I did I could escape him and what we had done, but as I stepped from his apartment and into the sun I could smell his animalistic scent engulfing me it was everywhere. I tired to ignore it to push it away from me as I continued my walk of shame to my house. I passed everything I have known for years I walked up my street and entered the door as the evil bitch that I thought had ruined my life came within two feet of me. I saw her eyes flash and I knew she smelled his sent on me. I haven't been a slayer for years now but when I saw that look in her eyes I moved into a stance that had been all I had known when I was younger. My slayer stance knew that one hell of a fight was about to come but this wasn't a physical fight or a fight to the death this was an emotional fight. She opened her mouth to speak and I put my hand up to silence her. The fight was on ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ahhhhhhhhh a cliffhanger I'll update soon I promise. 


	10. the dumbest thing

Willow's POV ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I am not real sure why I was so very angry when Buffy came through the door smelling of animalistic sex and some other man. I guess it because I love Spike and I knew that when he found out he would be crushed. He would be so utterly heart broken that he wouldn't want to exist and knowing that angered me beyond all control. I knew I was in trouble when Buffy got I to her fighting slayer stance but I was to far in to crawl away now so I opened my mouth and said what has to be some of the dumbest words I have ever spoken. " What is wrong with you how and you just turn and walk away like he doesn't matter. I wish it were that easy for me". I saw my doom flash in her piercing gaze. I saw more anger than I had seen in her since Faith had shot Angel. At that moment I feared for my life but she didn't hit me or even yell. She closed her eyes and clamed her self before letting out a bitter forced laugh and saying "walking away is that what you think I am doing? You think it doesn't kill me to walk into our house and into our room and smell the sent of you and him on our bed. You think I don't cry every single time I see the guilt and pain in spike's eyes. Well, if you think I don't guess again. For awhile I could figure out why Spike, a man who had died for his love for me would chose you, but then I began to notice the glazed look in his eyes and smell the magic. It was then I knew he wasn't doing this of his own free will. You think if I could simply turn and walk away from this, away from him, and away from my love I'd be shooting up to escape my reality. I never would have turned to drugs if I could deal on my own. So don't you dare pretend you know me anymore you lost the right when you betrayed me in the worst way. You took my life from me it time I at least bruised yours" and without hesitation or even giving me time to respond she attacked like a skilled hunting lioness she attacked flawlessly and in a most graceful but deadly way. Had I not been on the receiving end of this attack I would have called her moves beautiful but now they were just freighting. I tried my best to dodge her reign of kicks and punches but one connected and I am not sure what hurt more the actual pain of the blow or the emotional pain of knowing I deserved it. At that moment Spike descend the stairs calling "willow where." then he saw me lying on the floor and buffy standing over fury in her eyes and murder on her mind and right before I passed out I heard a confused "What the bloody hell" then my world went dark. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ sry it took me so long to update but I had some problems working the whole story out in my head. Thanx to all those who reviewed keep it up. And don't worry everything I write is for a reason and it will explain itself in due time. 


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